also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
