me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I supernannyed him into submission
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
