You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize