i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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