I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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