just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
