Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize