I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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