You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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