she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
