My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
