apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
