He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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