after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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