My first STD was from a foam party
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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