Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Blood and glitter go together right?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
