in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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