I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I touched a dick in church today
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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