i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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