I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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