The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
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