we have pet lesbian snakes
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
