i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
