i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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