plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
