My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
