Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We left the knife in your bed.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize