I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
