She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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