I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
