So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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