is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
third nipple confirmed
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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