I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
