Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
