ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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