Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
