The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
