I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize