Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i now understand why vodka
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
