So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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