if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
