in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
