I swear she didn't look like that last week.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
