Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
