You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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