you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
