Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
