oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
