I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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