Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
