My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
