Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
