we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
