life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize