I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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