onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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