went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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