im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
