a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
