dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
