No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
