Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
