I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
