Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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