I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
