Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
