I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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