i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
