i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
