so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize