I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
