I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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